The Way We Were
The Way We Were : Me and Gardiner
I first saw Gardiner at the University pub; he was sitting, quite arrogantly, his legs up on another chair, smack in the middle of the pub. You couldn't have avoided him even if you wanted to.
I liked him on sight : he was cocky, arrogant and yet there was something so vulnerable and fragile about him. Maybe something in the way he smiled at you; maybe something about his shoulder-length dark hair that seemed so soft and fine, it looked like silk. Or maybe it was just the way he answered me.
"Who are you?", I think I said; it was a long time ago, but knowing myself, I'm pretty sure I approached him with just as much arrogance as he was showing.
His voice was softer than I imagined, and he took his time before answering. I remember this simply because he took his time to look me up and down, his eyes narrowing, all the while smiling that cocky smile at me.
It wasn't just a physical appraisal; it was much more than that. He seemed to be sizing up my personality, my character, my intelligence and my strength.
I liked that too immediately; he was wary and defensive. If he told me his name, then, I knew, this one was going to be an interesting character.
And he did.
And from that moment on, we were together.
Not together in the traditional or commonplace sense; I mean, we were bonded, in some profound way that I still cannot explain today.
Did I fall in love?
Of course I did. How could I have not?
But then, Gardiner, was so different from me.
Handsome as hell, he was probably one of the most popular boys on campus. The girls loved him for his devilshly good looks and his charming presence and so did the boys, because he was one of the boys. He was funny, sensitive and just all-around nice. Certainly, everyone I spoke to then, knew or had heard of him. He was a good student, he was affable and sociable.
Very much unlike me. I'm not saying I'm not sociable; I just like my solitude and time out more than most people. Remember too, I'm an artist, so being alone, and just creating, with your thoghts, is something that is essential to the artist.
I'm also pretty loud-mouthed. I say what I think, and when I say it, I mean it. I believe in what I feel and thus, I believe in what I say. I'm also a pretty controversial character, with much contradiction in me, so I'm more the passionate, noisy artist, with thoughts about everything and everyone, but I certainly believe, rightly or not, that I'm not judgemental about almost anything. I can't judge most people; how can you, when the only thing that everyone's doing is just living?
But I like pushing people; the superficial doesn't interest me. People, life, things have to be real for me. Otherwise, I think it's a waste of my time. So, no, I don't take the bullshit. And being that I'm pretty temperamental with an extremely fiery character, I don't take the bullshit kindly, either.
Gardiner, though, underneath, was just like me, if not more judgemental, harsh even sometimes in his judgements, was on the surface the guy that everyone got along with. And I liked that about him. I have always considered myself a little strange in a social sense; I'll always tell you the truth, so if you don't want to hear the truth, then don't ask me, is what I always say. Gardiner knew just how to make people feel nice; never in a fawning or hypocritical way though. He was a very, very clever diplomat, and I was always amazed watching him put all his charm and charisma to work.
He taught me how to tell the truth without having to offend nor hurt anyone. And it's a precious lesson that I thank him for till today.
But I didn't just learn that with him, although it's a huge lesson. I learned that although you may love someone so much, so very much, it doesn't always work out. In fact, most times, it doesn't work at all.
Because the truth was, I did really love him. I did think that, in a lot of ways, we were meant to be. We were in a certain sense, very complimentary, or so, I thought at the time.
The way that he was always at some function, some party, always getting along with everyone, was so different to the usually one-on-one heavy discussions I was always having. He was always in a good mood, whereas although I could, and still can, make everyone laugh so hard they cry, was always in such a melancoly cloud of sadness and pain. He always seemed to me like a bright shining star, while I was like the moon, in the dark night waxing and waning, while he set everyone off to their dreams.
I realized, though, much too late, just how much he was just as sad as me. Stupidly, being so young and naive, I thought that he was stronger than me. And that is also the downfall of impetuous youth; you think you know everything, and you dive into things without really standing back and reflecting upon them.
And so, I cried, I cried tears for him, for the fact that we weren't together, for the fact that he always seemed so distant, and yet so close.
Because you see, Gardiner already had a girlfriend, and I was in a state of, I don't know, disbelief? Shock? Or just pure anger? that made me realize that I was not the one for him.
I never told him the anger and the disappointment I felt towards him; but you can trust me, at the time, both were indeed huge. It's true that I was dating someone too; but what I hadn't told Gardiner, was that I had told the other that I was truly and deeply, in love with someone else. Because you see, both Gardiner were among those that had arrived at college, pretty much proud of the fact that we were both still "with" our high school sweethearts. Except that...for me, even before I left for college, I knew that my life would change so much, that my high school sweetheart was already someone of my past, someone who had known a very different me. I was already fast growing up, and I knew it. Some part of me, knew instinctively, that I hadn't even started living yet, so what was high school, was just high school and would soon become a part, not so much of my past, as a part of my childhood as a whole. Thus for me, well, it was easier for me to turn around to my high school musical and realize that it was over. Perhaps, not so much for Gardiner. In any case, I didn't have a choice. When life calls you, you don't walk; you run. And so I had started running. And my high school boyfriend was far, I knew, from even being in the starting block, as far as I was concerned.
I finally walked away from Gardiner; he made it very clear to me then, that never would he leave his girlfriend. For no one and nothing.
But then, it happened. I had left Universtiy, in fact, I left the country, for a lot of different reasons. One of them being Gardiner. But still having friends, good friends, I visited a lot.
And so on a visit, for the weekend, a certain something in me, decided to look him up. And I found him. And it was nice seeing him. He hadn't changed that much, he was still as handsome, sitll as affable and kind as he was before. Still funny too, and that was nice too.
It was the day I was supposed to be leaving, so I went to catch my plane, and Gardiner, spontaneously, offered to see me off.
And right before I walked into the airport, he said it :
"I love you."
I could barely believe it; looking back, I realize that I had never known. I had spent all that time believing that I really didn't count that much for him. All those moments we had spent together, hour after hour talking, the countless moments of intense energy just passing between us, not so much through our words, but through the way we looked at each other, the way we smiled at each other, the way we were. I don't remember now whether he kissed me then; all I can remember are his words, and most of all, the look in his eyes. There was such a great sadness in them, I think he knew as much as me, it was all a little too late, but he said them nonetheless, perhaps to reassure me or to make that leap for himself so that he would never regret not having said those words to me.
I cannot, till this day, remember exactly what I said to him. I cannot remember if I answered him back that I loved him too, that I really did, that I had wished so fervently for it all to happen, when it never did, but that I had really, truly, believed in him. I doubt that I said anything as nice nor as heartfelt as that. I believe I may have simply said that it was just too little, too late. And I think I may have hurt him, because at that moment, there was anger. Real anger. I had waited so long, having faith in him, and now when it was all too late, there it was, like something that I had never noticed and was always there, sitting in front of me, just waiting for me. And so, selfishly, in retaliation, not against him, but just against the unfairness of it all, I lashed out at him, and I know I said things to him, that I not only regret, things that I also didn't mean.
Because the truth is, older and a little wiser now, at least more reflective, more mellow and definitely happy today, I know now that it wasn't too little. It never is when someone tells you that they love you. It's a gift, a treasure, to keep, and one that is never forgotten. It is like being given a piece of Heavenly gold, one that you see that, although perhaps tiny, is so shiny and so bright, so very wonderfully beautiful; a piece of pure light and heart that you know will never be tarnished or disappear. It will always be just as wonderful, for the rest of your life, as the moment you first held it in your hands.
And it's never too late; it's always time to tell someone you love them, it's always, the right time for a moment of Truth. Especially when it comes from the heart.
But I was too young to accept it, or humbly accept it, the way I should have. Now I do, and I certainly hope it isn't too late for me to say thank you, to life, to him, that I was lucky enough to be given such a moment of beauty.
End of the story?
Well, he's married today, to that same girlfriend he had back then. He's a proud and devoted father to his children, and a loving and caring husband. Am I proud of him? Well, yes. In essence, he is today, as faithful to himself as he was then. Certainly true to the fact that he would always be someone that she could count on for the rest of her life; her man, forever.
I went back to my high school sweetheart; a desperate attempt at either, not grow up so fast, or try and find my footing again in a place I had been for so long, that it would not be terrifying. Of course, it didn't last, and although we stayed friends for a long while, that too sifted away, and just blew away with the winds of time. I should have known, of course, that it wouldnt, couldn't work, but then again, I was so young. I do remember this though, when it finally did end, I cried, not out of sadness, but out of relief. We had tried, just out of principle, some kind of silly pride that we had known each other forever, that it had to work simply because of the fact that we had met when we were teenagers. But we were nothing but children, thinking we knew about being adults, when in reality, we were just playing at being big and responsible.
Do I look back at Gardinier and wonder about the way we were? Yes, sometimes. Do I still love him? Yes I do. But to the Gardiner back then; not today, because he's grown and become the man he's always wanted to be, and I'm smart enough today to know that the man he's become today, the one he always wanted to be, was never the man for me.
But I still do love the Gardiner I knew; the young, handsome boy, with so much hope for the future, the one who could laugh forever over a silly joke, the one who thought he knew nothing and everything, the Gardiner who was, and perhaps, still is, so fragile and vulnerable.
And knowing that, I still cherish what he gave me, very preciously in my heart, and know now that the way we were, is the way we always will be.