The Big "D" word
Divorce. The word. It's almost taboo; a word either said in a sepulchral whisper or one that's announced like an affirmation.
We leave singlehood, we enter marriage, then we may or may not become of the species of the "divorced".
Believe it or not, it's pretty easy making the decision to divorce. What I mean is, either your relationship has fallen apart so much like paper shredded to ribbons, that the decision becomes almost a relief. Or, you just get to THAT stage where you barely notice each other anymore, you get so used to the other just being there, like a piece of furniture, and on top of it, neither of you have the energy to actually get it back on track again. You know, that feeling of, you can't really remember WHY you fell in love with that person, and you don't really want to remember.
Or one or the other has fallen in love with someone else. And barring abusive relationships, you just realize one fine morning, you just don't like the person lying next to you in bed.
One of the toughest parts, is the doing it.
It's when you're "in the midst of". The endless discussions about what lawyers? Which lawyers? You move out? What are you going to keep and what am I going to take? The fights about, did you ever love me? Was it ever real? Did you ever have fun in bed? Was I good? Were you terrible? After 2 or 3 of these, you can actually feel one of these talks coming up again; and as much as you'd like to avoid it, you somehow know that you just have to sit there and weather the storm.
But the hardest, the really hardest, is the sharing of custody.
You suddenly realize, the first time, he's got the kids and no one is in the house, I mean, NO ONE, how silent your life is wtihout them. Especially your children. You understand a little bit, just a little, not at all in its entirety, what it must be to actually lose your child; their room is still intact, and it's almost heartbreaking to even move anything. You go in, you sit on the little bed, you look at the posters, the mess, the little books and you miss your little treasure so terribly. Although you know, in my case, I do, that my little one will be back one day, and soon, it's still very, very, very tough the first few times.
For the space of a few days, no more summons in the middle of the night for a glass of water, for a hug. It's just you, alone in the slience and the dark....the very first time I had to "share", I left the lights on in the house all night till my little girl got back.
You trip out too; you have nightmare visions of her not being fed, parched with thirst, and filthy because you're so sure HE can't take care of her, not like you do, certainly not as WELL as you do. And then, 10 minutes later, you go the other route: what if she's having MORE fun with him than with me? What is she decides she's rather be with him than me?
And then, of course, is the GIRLFRIEND. You start thinking, what if she prefer the GF to me? What if she has more fun with the GF and her Dad, and decides her family should be more with them, than with me?
By the thrid day, I was pretty much a nervous wreck, clomping around the house in my pj's eating popcorn and even the cat didn't want to spend time with me.
But then, she gets back, and all is well, because although I spoke to her many times on the phone, it's the seeing her and squeezing her tight in my arms that counts.
Of couse, I'm in a particular situation here. I'm still living with Mr. Always Right. I'm, we're doing what we can so that me and her can move out, comfortably, but gotta be honest here; prices are high, rents are absurd in Paris, and so, for now, till I can, I'm sharing the house with my best friend.
Yes, best friend. After all, we've been together for nearly a decade and a half now. He's also the father of my only child. He's seen me through, oh, pretty much everything, including some of the worst moments of my life, so yes, best friend.
And no, it's far from being easy. When we get along, sure, everything's great; he's just my best friend, he helps around the house, a nice roomie to have. But when we fight...the fights are worse than before, because there's a part of you that's like, well, it's over and I don't have to deal with this s*** anymore, so why should I be nice about it now? You realize that HE'S thinking the same thing, and so the arguments become something close to a nucear fall-out.
And of course, being in such close quarters...you find yourself changing your mind sometimes. You get lonely, so very lonely and wanting affection (and the rest!) but you find that you're actually sharing a house with a man! So, there are moments, in your mind, you think, oh what the hell?
What the hell?
Wrong thought, wrong move.
I don't know if there's any good outcome to this kind of situation; you know your life will go on afterwards, of course, you do, but it's not easy. And trying to explain to your child, the why, the how, the what, the when, that's very difficult. And she wants you to stay together, after all, she wants to see the 2 of you together, have both her parents. It's natural and understandable, but makes it all even tougher to deal with.
It's a ripping apart of sorts, and hurts no matter what.
But I know we'll get through this. And stronger and wiser (hopefully!) than before.
We leave singlehood, we enter marriage, then we may or may not become of the species of the "divorced".
Believe it or not, it's pretty easy making the decision to divorce. What I mean is, either your relationship has fallen apart so much like paper shredded to ribbons, that the decision becomes almost a relief. Or, you just get to THAT stage where you barely notice each other anymore, you get so used to the other just being there, like a piece of furniture, and on top of it, neither of you have the energy to actually get it back on track again. You know, that feeling of, you can't really remember WHY you fell in love with that person, and you don't really want to remember.
Or one or the other has fallen in love with someone else. And barring abusive relationships, you just realize one fine morning, you just don't like the person lying next to you in bed.
One of the toughest parts, is the doing it.
It's when you're "in the midst of". The endless discussions about what lawyers? Which lawyers? You move out? What are you going to keep and what am I going to take? The fights about, did you ever love me? Was it ever real? Did you ever have fun in bed? Was I good? Were you terrible? After 2 or 3 of these, you can actually feel one of these talks coming up again; and as much as you'd like to avoid it, you somehow know that you just have to sit there and weather the storm.
But the hardest, the really hardest, is the sharing of custody.
You suddenly realize, the first time, he's got the kids and no one is in the house, I mean, NO ONE, how silent your life is wtihout them. Especially your children. You understand a little bit, just a little, not at all in its entirety, what it must be to actually lose your child; their room is still intact, and it's almost heartbreaking to even move anything. You go in, you sit on the little bed, you look at the posters, the mess, the little books and you miss your little treasure so terribly. Although you know, in my case, I do, that my little one will be back one day, and soon, it's still very, very, very tough the first few times.
For the space of a few days, no more summons in the middle of the night for a glass of water, for a hug. It's just you, alone in the slience and the dark....the very first time I had to "share", I left the lights on in the house all night till my little girl got back.
You trip out too; you have nightmare visions of her not being fed, parched with thirst, and filthy because you're so sure HE can't take care of her, not like you do, certainly not as WELL as you do. And then, 10 minutes later, you go the other route: what if she's having MORE fun with him than with me? What is she decides she's rather be with him than me?
And then, of course, is the GIRLFRIEND. You start thinking, what if she prefer the GF to me? What if she has more fun with the GF and her Dad, and decides her family should be more with them, than with me?
By the thrid day, I was pretty much a nervous wreck, clomping around the house in my pj's eating popcorn and even the cat didn't want to spend time with me.
But then, she gets back, and all is well, because although I spoke to her many times on the phone, it's the seeing her and squeezing her tight in my arms that counts.
Of couse, I'm in a particular situation here. I'm still living with Mr. Always Right. I'm, we're doing what we can so that me and her can move out, comfortably, but gotta be honest here; prices are high, rents are absurd in Paris, and so, for now, till I can, I'm sharing the house with my best friend.
Yes, best friend. After all, we've been together for nearly a decade and a half now. He's also the father of my only child. He's seen me through, oh, pretty much everything, including some of the worst moments of my life, so yes, best friend.
And no, it's far from being easy. When we get along, sure, everything's great; he's just my best friend, he helps around the house, a nice roomie to have. But when we fight...the fights are worse than before, because there's a part of you that's like, well, it's over and I don't have to deal with this s*** anymore, so why should I be nice about it now? You realize that HE'S thinking the same thing, and so the arguments become something close to a nucear fall-out.
And of course, being in such close quarters...you find yourself changing your mind sometimes. You get lonely, so very lonely and wanting affection (and the rest!) but you find that you're actually sharing a house with a man! So, there are moments, in your mind, you think, oh what the hell?
What the hell?
Wrong thought, wrong move.
I don't know if there's any good outcome to this kind of situation; you know your life will go on afterwards, of course, you do, but it's not easy. And trying to explain to your child, the why, the how, the what, the when, that's very difficult. And she wants you to stay together, after all, she wants to see the 2 of you together, have both her parents. It's natural and understandable, but makes it all even tougher to deal with.
It's a ripping apart of sorts, and hurts no matter what.
But I know we'll get through this. And stronger and wiser (hopefully!) than before.
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